Sean Connery: So in this Zardoz film, I play a manly savage who runs around among all these immortal ladies while shooting things? I'm in!
Admittedly, the movie does have a cool logo. That's about all it has going for it, but maybe that was enough to impress Mr. Connery. And of course, it's Connery's awesome presence that makes the movie amusing, rather than just terrible. I've seen some sites online that claim it's as deep as the Bible, but I think its depth is more similar to that found in the Wizard of Oz. Or a pothole.
In any case, this quotes comes out near the opening of the movie. The giant stone head pictured above is floating over a rolling landscape, teeming with savages. Upon landing, the head declares itself to be Zardoz, God among these savages. After this introduction, Zardoz goes on to talk about the greatness of guns. This is accompanied by a rain of firearms and ammunition that comes pouring out of the idol's mouth. The scene closes portentiously as Sean Connery grabs a six-shooter and fires at the camera, instantly killing the director. This might explain why many of the following scenes seem to have no point.
So where does the movie go from there? I could tell you, but it would mean spoiling the deep plot. But since I hesitate to say this movie even has a coherent plot, I'll continue anwyay. So it turns out that Zardoz is nothing more than a shell being controlled by a group of bored immortals who live in a pastoral paradise, have weird psychic powers and seem to believe that plastic bags are the ultimate storage mediums. Hmm. Sean Connery figures this out (the whole fake god thing, not the plastic) thanks to the Wizard of Oz, which I totally called. As such, he hitches a ride on the statue and shoots some guys. He then gets captured by the immortals. Some of them want to kill him, but he's too good at serving potatos so they decide to study him instead. It doesn't take long for Sean's savage presence to bring many of the immortals out of their bored stupors, or for some of them to reach the conclusion that Connery is superior to them both mentally and physically. That's the first line in this movie that actually makes sense. Anyway, Connery basically destroys the immortal society and gets them all shot. Some of them try to stop him, but unfortunately Zardoz gave away all their guns, so they have to use burning torches instead. Not so effective. In the end, Connery gets both the girl and a new jacket.
Basically, the moral of this story seems to be that guns solve all problems, as can be seen in the following examples. Trapped in a mirror maze? A single gunshot can get you out. Fighting an evil jellyfish that apparently looks like your DNA (!!)? It's no match for a gun. A crazy immortal with drawn-on facial hair is pretending to be your god? ...Not after facing your gun. Forced to watch this movie? GUN, possibly used on yourself.
Finally, I would like to extend thanks to one of my friends in Japan for recommending this film. I would also like to thank Dave for helping to bring on the funny.
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