Since I've already stated my strong dislike for actually watching football, you might be wondering why I've suddenly taken to declaring almost everything as a touchdown. In fact, this quote has a basis in some of the Greek myths that were so instrumental in shaping our culture. In particular, I'm referring to the tale of Jason and the Argonauts. My experience with this story was only through a cheap made for Television movie that portrayed Jason as some sort of intense action hero and the Argonauts as brawny heroes that earned their place on the ship by competing in random sporting events. Apparently, this movie was only loosely based on the original myth, or so said an esteemed colleague of mine who happens to be taking a Classics class at this very moment. As an aside, it sounds like getting into that classic Classics class is a field goal in and of itself. Regardless, according to the original myth, Jason seems to do very little indeed. When it comes time to fight some nasty monsters, or really do anything at all aside from taking credit, he leaves matters in his magical wife's capable hands. The Argonauts are also of no help in these dangerous situations, and prefer instead to remain on the ship. What are they doing there? I can only assume they're tossin' the old pig-skin around for a bit of scrimmage.
For those who might not be aware (and I barely was), Toronto has a football team called the Argonauts. And like this Toronto team, the ancient Greek Argonauts seemed to be quite useless, overhyped and overpaid. The managers of the Toronto team seem to be just as incompetent as Jason, which only serves to strengthen the similarities between the two groups. I'm almost convinced that Jason's sole motive for obtaining the golden fleece was to make new uniforms for his team. And none would have done this uniform more justice than Hercules, who was certainly the best quarterback the Argonauts ever had. Unfortunately, contracting Hercules was likely part of a package deal that would involve hiring Pan, without a doubt the worst commentator football could ever have. The mere thought of Pan narrating a football game in a high-pitched voice capable of shattering glass would be enough to dampen even the most exiciting of matches. Not that I would consider this to be overly difficult. Still, that would be a fumble. Not like this quote, I hope, which did go a bit long. However, there were only a few tangents to serve as interceptions, so I think a touchdown is still eminently possible.
There are some who would consider this quote to be a real fumble, especially given my complete lack of knowledge regarding the actual sport of football. Fortunatey, my experience with football catchphrases is much more extensive. In fact, I believe that the entertainment value of a sport can mostly be measured by the number of cliched lines it had inspired. Note that this doesn't mean I condone watching football of any sort; instead, I'm advocating using as many football buzzwords as possible, because they often seem oddly appropriate. And everyone knows that random buzzwords make you seem knowledgeable and funny, no matter how many times they're used! As such, I'll be going long with this quote, hopefully without being metaphorically tackled in the process.
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