One of the first stops in such a long foray into the States should really be AmericaLand*, but since it doesn't exist yet, I had to settle for Wisconsin Dells. You haven't heard of it? It's the central entertainment hub of the entire area. Of course, the area in question is really the middle of nowhere (apologies to Wisconsin), so maybe your possible lack of knowledge in this regard isn't so surprising. Anyway, the Wisconsin Dells are the brainchild of one Tommy Bartlett. You may not have heard of him either, but everyone who lives in or visit this area knows his name. He practically owns the entire town, including the great majority of the attractions. How do I now this? Well, I was tipped-off by the fact that most of their titles include his name, such as The Tommy Bartlett Show, Tommy Bartlett's Space Center and Tommy Bartlett's Robotorium. Suffice to say the man really likes his own name.
Even many of the restaurants in the area are the property of Tommy Bartlett, and chains no less! I stepped into one of Mr. Bartlett's McDonalds only to find it far different from any other I've visited in the world. And I've been to a lot. That sign that says billions and billions served? Yeah, a fair portion of those would be me. Anyway, Bartlett's McDonalds also charged prices like no other in the world. Gone was the dollar menu, replaced by prices that seem exhorbitant for McDonalds, but would nevertheless still be cheap almost anywhere else. All things considered, I'm surprised Tommy didn't rename one of the burgers The McBartlett. It would have been the most expensive of all, but would have had everything in it.
To sharpen his image as some sort of amusing dictator figure, Tommy Barlett also controls almost all the information. The tourist info booths all belong to him, and naturally only pass out accurate info about Bartlett attractions. The maps of the town they give you don't even show anything not part of the Bartlett empire. In fact, I suspect that Tommy has long been planning a total takeover of town that would coincidently enough make his maps completely accurate. Obviously, a few of these attractions are too stubborn to just sell out, in which case I imagine Tommy would blow them up with some sort of rocket launcher. Probably as part of the Tommy Bartlett Show, no less. It's not as if the cops would do something about it. Using Tommy's maps, they wouldn't even be able to find the scene of the destruction.
I actually saw one of the few shows that wasn't a part of the Bartlett monopoly. It was the magic of fugitive magician Rick Wilcox, who has probably needed every trick he knows to survive this long. Fortunately for him, no matter how many times Bartlett's goons attempt to shove him in a box and stick swords through him, he always emerges in one piece, while still earning audience applause. In all seriousness, the most amazing thing about fugitive magician Rick Wilcox was how fast he could change his outfits. He would leave the stage for like two seconds and then return wearing something completely different. I can only imagine he's had lots of practice disguising himself from Tommy Bartlett in a hurry. With such cunning at his disposal, fugitive magician Rick Wilcox has managed to thwart Tommy for quite some time. I can only speculate that this quote's picture is part of Tommy's latest scheme to catch his magical nemesis. Ostensibly built as part of a Bartlett roller-coaster, I believe this Trojan Tommy Horse will be pushed to the Rick Wilcox Theater as some sort of 'gift'. Doesn't all this just make you want to stop at Wisconsin Dells during your next vacation? If you hurry, you might even get to see Rick Wilcox before he disappears.
* While I didn't get to visit the non-existant AmericaLand, I did get a chance to take the U.S. Customs Ride. They've even upgraded it to include the confiscation of other foods aside from just fruit! It wasn't really much of an improvement, though.
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