Not that there's anything wrong with that. I enjoy seeing Arnold blow things up with big guns as much as the next guy. But I'll have to admit that I was a bit confused by this movie. Not by the (ahem) plot, of course. T3 doesn't attempt to pull a Matrix to make itself seem deep. Far from it, this movie's content to be as shallow as possible. No, I'm confused by the fact that Arnie waited so long to pump out this sequel. Why did he wait ten years to make this cash-grab? And don't tell me that he was looking for the right script. 'Cause he certainly didn't find one. Some people suspect that this may be some sort of incredibly expensive advertisement for Arnold's political campaign to become the governor of California. Which, I have to admit, would be cool. We need more action-heroes serving in public office. Arnold could take on big debts and healthcare the same way he deals with the deadly Terminatrix: really big guns and snappy catch-phrases. Who wouldn't want such a candidate in office? He could figuratively terminate any opposition. Literally, too, for that matter.
All this brings me to a rather funny joke I've heard several times. And it's so good that I'll even post it here. The scenario involves a movie studio that wants to make a film about German music composers. To fill the starring roles, they decide to hire Jean-Claude Van-Damme, Steven Seagal and, of course, Arnold Schwarzennegger. They first approach Van-Damme, and ask him which role he wants to play. "Beethoven." replies Van-Damme as he admires his own muscles in a mirror. Next, they ask Steven Seagal the same question. "I'll be Mozart," replies Seagal in his raspy voice. Lastly, they come to Arnold, and repeat the question for a third time. "I'll be Bach!" replies Arnold.
Such a great punchline. But that's not even my favorite part of the joke. In my opinion, the concept itself is far more amusing. The mere idea of a movie about wussy German composers starring three of the prime action stars of our time is almost priceless. Imagine Van-Damme groping with composer's block, or attempting to work together a part for the cello. And then being attacked by a bunch of ninjas, 'cause that's what his movies are all about anyway. Or Arnold grappling with the key signature of the B Flat major scale. Pure hillarity. I, for one, would be back several times to see such a movie.
This is certainly one of the more famous quotes of modern times. Pioneered in the early nineties, it has once again risen to prominence on the back of the new action blockbuster, Terminator 3. And the advent of this movie fulfilled the promise that Ahnold made repeatedly in his last movie. He said he would be back. And he gave us plenty of warning. But the fact that his terminator character (or Terminatah, as it should properly be called) would return was very much inevitable, given the classic status of the first two films and the obscene buckets of money they made. Actually, I'm fairly sure it was this second reason that provided the primary motivation for the producers, but I digress. In any case, when Arnold promised that he would be back, he neglected to mention that several other elements of Terminator 2 would also return. Such as the plot, if you could call it that. Yes, John Connor may be ten years older, and they may have hired a new leading lady, but otherwise the plot is very much the same as its predecessor. The machines send another Terminator model back into the past to kill John Connor. As before, this Terminator is a newer model with even more fearsome powers than any previously seen. In retalliation, the humans have no choice but to send their own Terminatah to protect an angst-ridden Connor. And yes, it is Ahnold. And that constitutes my description of the plot. Mainly because there's no more plot worth mentioning. The rest is all big explosions and action seqeunces.
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