In this day and age, sports stars and musicians who believe they can act are becoming something of a cliche. Why do they think this? I don't know. Possibly due to the transitive property of high salaries? Anyway, Shaq seems to take that one step further. He thinks he can be a superhero, just like his idol, Superman. Steel is the big vanity project to let him do just that. Not that I can really blame him for accepting wads of cash to wear a steel suit for a couple weeks of filming. However, I can blame Hollywood for thinking this would be a great idea. And for designing such a ridiculous suit of armor. But more on that later.
So Shaq plays John Henry Irons, a weapons developer working for the military, which is about as believable as you might expect. He seems to know about as much about advanced weaponry as the script writers know about subtlety. Let's just say that Steel is not the only one involved in this project who uses a sledgehammer to get their points across. Anyway, John ends up quitting the military after an evil colleague presses a button on one of his weapons which causes an overload. It's a good thing that this dangerous button was thoughtfully built right onto the top of the weapon. John goes back to work at his uncle's junk yard, but soon discovers that his 'advanced' weapons are appearing in the hands of criminals. In fact, they're being sold online in an auction that is apparently impossible for the police to stop. That job falls to Steel.
In order to change into this mighty alter-ego, John fashions a suit of preposterous armor and a helmet that really makes him look cross-eyed. In addition to ridiculous. He also crafts a super-advanced hammer, which can fire lazers and trip people real well. Considering how awkward and cumbersome Steel ends up being, it's really surprising that he doesn't end up tripping himself. Regardless, all these other powers are overshadowed by Steel's main combat tactic, which seems to involve letting his opponents shoot him repeatedly. Miraculously enough, none of the shots seem to end up hitting Steel's enormous chin, which is not only a huge target but also entirely unprotected. But I guess it wouldn't really matter, since the criminals are using John's advanced weaponry. And this weaponry is demonstrated at several points throughout the film as inferior to traditional firearms. If they were trying to make the movie seem dramatic, they failed miserably. Steel is about the least dramatic superhero imaginable. He just slowly lumbers up to the criminals and trips them. Then he makes an unceremonious exit by like stepping on a nearby escalator and extolling any nearby civilians to be cool, y'all.
In short, this man of steel just isn't very super at all.
But I thought he made for a good roleplaying character. My version was a gatorade-fueled eXtreme sports star who doubled as the man of steel. The adventure also had many other great characters, like Lando Calrissian. You might be seeing more about some of them soon. Until then, I'd advise y'all to be cool.
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