"Hi! I'm Stan Lee, a guy who's spent many years working with some of
the best artists to create a whole GAGGLE of super heroes, such as Spiderman, The X-Men and the Incredible Hulk. The Seventh Portal is like the
X-Men in the INTERNET AGE. I've selected a cast of multinational TEENAGERS
to be the heroes. They're regular kids in the real world, but SUPER HEROES in the DIGITAL world. Not-very-memorable girl can become Ghostgirl. Miguel gets
to kick some as Token-Big-Guy. Their leader, Peter Jackson, is Thunder-Breath.
Of course, any series needs a really BAD villain and MONGORR is as bad as they
come! He's got a whole host of evil henchmen willing to do his bidding. The vicious Vultura, the voracious Vendetta, Bearhug, the Incredible Slime and Krog:
he'll rock your world! Now, get ready for the ride. And don't forget your
snazzy 3-D glasses! You're gonna need'em!"
First of all, anybody who calls those 3-D glasses snazzy must have at best
questionable judgement. They may help with the ride, but they are still just
tools for patented Dork-O-Vision. Thus, after claiming these things are snazzy,
Stan shouldn't even expect us to listen to his warning that we're going to need
them. And of course, you don't. Plus, there's the fact that Stan clearly doesn't understand the internet. Has he even touched a computer? That nonsense about the DIGITAL world is quite amusing. Making these comments could be dangerous, though, since Stan Lee might just create a whole host of Super Villains to come after me. This guy creates Super Villains for a living, and will probably do so whether you want him to or not. Of course, considering the caliber of these villains, I don't think I need to worry too much. I'll analyse the villains from the Seventh Portal below.
Vultura: She flies into a wall about two minutes into the ride. If she can't avoid big, stationary objects, she can only be considered a threat to herself.
Bearhug: This guy doesn't even do anything! He's like the Whiplash of the DIGITAL world.
The Incredible Slime: He's got a cool hat, which probably makes him the most dangerous of all these mediocre villains. And he can shoot skulls from his hands.
Krog: He'll rock your
world! He has bad breath, which is probably his most effective weapon. He
still falls down quite easily when confronted by Token-Big-Guy.
Mongorr: The leader of the Villains, and about as bad as they come. He has an unfortunate habit of flying under collapsing statues. Not much to inspire fear there.
There's little that could be more terrifying than being
greeted by the smirking face of Stan Lee. Especially if the aforementioned
Stan Lee uses a line like this quote to introduce himself. In fact, I've
witnessed him use just such a line, and his sudden appearance on a videoscreen
was far more terrifying than the ride he was promoting. To clarify, I was
visiting a theme park which had a ride created by Stan Lee. This ride was
called the Seventh Portal, and as you approached the final part of the
line, you got to see Stan 'The Man' himself promoting the ride on a video
monitor. His lines need no embelishment, so I will simply attempt to reproduce
them below.
Note that I am not trying to demean Stan's comic capabilities. For my part, I simply felt the Seventh Portal was hillarious ride, with an even more amusing introduction. The end would have been much more frightening if you had to face Stan himself instead of merely Mongorr. Also, note that the monologue above is as accurate as my memory will allow, with only a few minor changes.
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