TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

I bet some of you weren't expecting to find quite such a high pun quotient when you signed into this page. As far as I'm concerned, the more puns I can cram into this opening statement, the better it is. And the fact that I've already managed to use several can't be anything but a good sign. However, unlike some of my other rants, there's more to this one than just my rather questionable wordplay. In this age of constant confusion and consequent litigation, signs and other warning labels are often treated as little more than a buffer against the ever-circling lawyers and their lawsuits. This is where the whole May possibly contain traces of nuts, if they were dropped in there by visiting aliens whose sole goal was apparently to sabotage an Oh-Henry factory. The probability of this occuring is obviously miniscule, but companies figure they might as well cover themselves entirely by sticking the label on. Better safe than sorry, right? Hence why we end up with bookshelves affixed with labels warning you not to treat them as ladder. Because otherwise a book shelf could be treated as the ultimate two-in-one tool!

This overly abundant usage of signs isn't a bad thing. After all, it's the reason I'm able to do this quote. It's because signs can be inherently confusing, and I'm not even talking about the kind you could describe as crop circles. When anyone with a shaky grasp of the language in question starts writing up a sign, it can lead to extremely amusing results. That's where this week's quote comes in, direct from some river highway sign. My Japanese contact recently sent me an entire list of such signs, and I figured it was nothing less than my duty to share some of the highlights with all of you.

Hotel airconditioner instructions, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Zoo, Hungary:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
(I'm sure the guards love it when people misinterpret this one, as I've speculated in the past.)

Resaurant, Nairobi:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
(This sign also seems a bit rude...)

Poster:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
(I doubt this ad met with the success they were hoping for.)

Automatic hand dryer in public lavatory:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

Restaurant menu, Switzerland:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
(Except for funny menus, maybe.)

Hotel bedroom, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.
(Didn't I say that the main purpose of these signs was to keep the circling lawyers at bay?)

Newspaper, East Africa:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
(Gah! Working conditions there are worse than I thought!)

Once again, I have to thank my most tireless source of quotes. It's a good sign for this page every time I'm able to put up one of his seemingly endless supply of quotes. If you want to see the full list of sign quotes, you can check them out here. For brevity's sake, I only plucked a few of the best ones. There are still plenty more to see.

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