I'm not sure if I quite believe all the hype, but that didn't stop me from making a recent (in a totally relative sense) trip to his ancestral home, Stratford-Upon-Avon, where I found an entire town that has based its economy squarely on the man's fame. Absolutely everything is termed by its relation to the Bard. Not only can you visit the house where Shakespeare was born (he was apparently awesome even as a child!), but you can also see the house of his cousins and other such distant relatives, not to mention the butcher shop that he might once have frequented. Or so the sign proudly proclaims. I didn't see any puns about the tiny nature of their hams, but I suspect it's only a matter of time. Shakespeare's a household name the world over. And his name's certainly on many households there, even if the connection is only peripheral.
Dude's got something going for him, but he's really losing his appeal among the younger generation. All the homework in highschool probably isn't helping his case. He needs a fresh new image, one not chained to the intrinsic uncoolness of a secondary english teacher. Experience has shown that Hollywood considers itself up to this task. Of course, we've already seen such fluffy fare as Shakespeare In Love (not personally, mind you), but that just won't cut it. We need the sequel. We need the antithesis. We need: Shakespeare At War. And who better to offer a nuanced performance as the Bard himself than a truly modern thespian of undisputed proportions? Clearly, this is a role that can only be taken up by Ahnold Shwarzeneger. Come on, it's not like Hollywood usually pays any attention to capturing accents faithfully.
This movie would tell the true story of Shakespeare, right from the struggles with his editors down to his dramatic showdown with an oozie-armed Merchant of Venice. And no, he wouldn't have oozies for arms, if you're wondering. He would just be armed with them. Not that it wouldn't be cool if we used the other interpretation. Shakespeare would of course wield a shotgun-caliber bow with quills in place of arrows ("You have been written off!"). Obviously. Anyway. Shakespeare's ideas on special effects and action would be far ahead of their time, prompting much interferance from his staff. I imagine scenes going rather like this:
Shakespeare: In this scene, the wagon will roll off the edge of the stage...and explode. Hasta lavista.
Editor: So you want the wagon to fall into the audience? And EXPLODE?
Shakespeare: ...Yes. It's called audience participation. They will be in the center of the action.
Editor: How about instead Hamlet delivers a long, metaphysical monologue full of indecision and angst?
Shakespeare: ...Okay.
Can you sense the drama as Shakespeare struggles with the realities of the times? Unfortunately, this amazing movie is likely Not to Be.
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