For those who haven't heard (and you're the lucky ones, probably) a recently released movie was called About Schmidt. I can only presume it's about some boring guy named Schmidt, doing boring things. Of course, I can't say for sure, having not seen it. And I have no desire to change that. Despite my oft-stated opinion on the matter, others have been trying to convince me to see this movie. They claim it has good acting or something. So maybe the guy does a good job acting boring, or maybe he just is boring. Either way, I don't consider it worth my money to find out. If I want to witness something boring, I can just go to an Economics lecture. Naturally, there are some people who claim that I shouldn't pass judgement on a movie before having seen it. Something about keeping an open mind. But as far as I'm concerned, if they can't come up with a better name than About Schmidt, I'd say the creative skills of the people making the film are severely lacking. This name alone is enough to tell me that I shouldn't waste my time on the movie. Now, if they had called the movie Not About Schmidt, things would have been different. If the title itself had guaranteed that the movie was not going to be about anyone named Schmidt, I might have been tempted to watch the movie, in the same way that you were apparently tempted to read this quote story.
Regardless of my own opinion, the critics have generally been kind to About Schmidt. At least the ones listed in the movie's advertisement. Of course, with the number of movie critics, even the worst movies can find someone saying something positive about them. I bet there were even good reviews of MegaForce when it was released, probably declaring it a timeless masterpiece. And the rare movie that can't find these admiring quotes can simply make them up. Yes, this actually happened. I can't remember the exact movie, but I know the studio actually created some fictional reviewers to give it the proverbial thumbs up. This ability isn't exclusive to studios. I can do it too. And without further adue, I present fictional raving reviews from fictional film critics about a movie I can only wish was nothing more than fictional.
"It's high-octane entertainment! Non-stop action! The first intelligent thriller of the summer!" -Stu Pid, of the Calimazoo Bugle.
"I haven't seen acting of this caliber since Shaquille O'Neal's starring role in Kazaam!" -Jean Cabot, Artsy Film Magazine Monthly.
"Problem with this movie." -Wayne Wang, Computer Science Department.
If I had warned you that this entire quote story was about someone named Schmidt, you would likely have lost all your interest in it. But by proudly proclaiming that this quote is, in fact, Not About Schmidt, I figured that people might actually read this story. And it seems to have worked on you, at least so far. Unfortunately, the quote itself is a lie; I've already spent almost a paragraph discussing Schmidt, despite the fact that this entire quote centers around avoiding anyone named Schmidt. It's not at all hard to see why people wouldn't want to spend too much time thinking About Schmidt. Coming up with a worse name would be difficult. And Schmidt isn't even a funny name, unlike other similarly bad names, such as Lizardman. I hope there's only one member of the lizardman race in Soul Calibur, otherwise there's likely to be some real confusion. That aside, Schmidt is just a boringly bad name. And while you may not mind having a neighbour named Schmidt, you certainly wouldn't want to watch a two hour movie about him. That's really what this quote is all about.
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