Although it's too late for me to stop myself from going on a tangent, I believe I will return to the quote at hand. Anyone who has been a kid within the last twenty years has probably heard of Five-Alive. Probably the most high-quality of all the brands of juice boxes, Five-Alive is rumored to contain a tiny percentage of real juice from five different fruits! Definitely the top of the line as far as taste is concerned. However, few have heard of the cheaper rip-off, hoping to undersell Five-Alive. This would be Revive. The similarities in name are too strong to be ignored! But heed my advice; Revive is terrible! You can't even give it away for free! On the other hand, it would probably make the next best weapon against Vampires. Even the undead cannot stand Revive!
Before I wrap this story up, I should note that I cannot claim any credit at all for this quote. All admiration should thus be directed to The Man, who inspired this story and used this quote to hilarious effect. Many people try to stick it to The Man, and give power to the people. Far as I'm concerned, The Man can keep his power so long as he continues to come up with great quotes like this. Many thanks! The Man had to undergo great personal danger to bring us this quote. Namely, by drinking Revive. Don't try it at home.
One would think that the dead would be grateful to drink anything. However, if you gave them some Revive, they would probably rise from the grave and gather a dark, undead army to destroy you. It's just that bad. I've never been much of a fan of those 'fruit' juice boxes. That's mainly because they contain no fruit juice. I don't know what's in there, but it's certainly not real fruit juice. Most of 'em even admit it on the boxes. If you read the fineprint, it often says something like, 'Contains 0.00001% REAL fruit juice.' So what makes up the rest of that liquid? Nobody knows. I doubt the companies that make these boxes have any idea what they contain. With all that in mind, I believe that they really shouldn't be called Fruit Juice boxes. I believe 'Mystery Boxes' would be a much more appropriate name. You never know what you're going to get when you drink a Mystery Box. It could be milk, water, oil or even Lemon-Pledge (otherwise known as Lemon Diet-Coke).
Return to Jaridis Blade's Gallery of Quotes