The Protein Platter

Science really is amazing. We're always discovering new and wonderful things, many of which would have been deemed nothing less than impossible only a few years ago. On the flipside, scientists also discover all sorts of horrible mistakes and false assumptions that we've put into practice at various points in our history, usually because we didn't understand just how awful they were. Just a few examples include bleeding, leeches, cocaine and Pepsi-Cola. Some of these errors have proven easier to correct than others, while some still linger even to this day. In that vein, certain popular trends now claim to have unearthed the true vileness of a substance that humans have consumed for thousands of years. Apparently, our race is lucky to have survived so long, since this substance is now painted as the most unhealthy, toxic and dangerous stuff we've ever encounterd. Depleted uranium can be treated like a toy compared to this stuff. And yet somehow, despite the allegedly inordinate risk, the human race has consumed carbohydrates for generations without being wiped out. I even had some carbs at lunch, and remarkably enough, I still seem to be alive and somewhat coherent (though this is often hard to judge). But I guess I just like to live on the edge, putting my life on the line whenever I dig into a bowl of pasta. Who needs bungee-jumping and other such adrenaline pumping activities when you've got noodles? Now that's a thrill ride for your mouth!

Alright, so I'm exagerating the dangers of carbs. But I'm not the only one! Many people have swallowed the hype whole, and now most sincerely believe that carbohydrates are the devil. These people have all been influenced by the extremely popular Atkins diet. I'm sure you've all heard of it; either you're actually on it, or you enjoy making fun of it. If you can't guess by now, I personally fall into the latter category. It's not like I'm against meat in any way. It's just that I don't think the inclusion of carbs in our diet can solely be blamed for the current obesity problems afflicting our society. And I don't believe that the best way to lose weight involves removing the buns from your jumbo super-sized deluxe great-grandpa burgers. It's called exercise, and maybe passing up on the value meal that you gets you two of those aforementioned giant burgers. Unfortunately, these methods do require some effort, which is why I suppose the Atkins diet is more popular than the Common Sense one. After all, people would much prefer to blame their ballooning weight on carbs rather than on their own laziness.

I really am slightly surprised by the way the Atkins Diet has slithered into the mainstream. But there's no denying that it has. Even restaurants not particularly known for their healthy menus have made concessions to this new anti-carb craze. In fact, that's where this particular quote comes from. The McDonald's dish that meets this requirement is called the Protein Platter. Because that sounds a lot healthier than a Beef Plate, which is really all the dish includes. It's a quater-pounder, without a bun. Of course, they charge you an extra dollar for the removal of this offending bun. I'm serious. You could pay a buck less and remove the bun yourself, but I guess they assume that most Atkins enthusiasts would find even touching the hated carbs to be just too sickening. I guess that's just the price you have to pay to be healthy these days. On that note, if the Protein Platter somehow ends up being a big success, I see a great window of opportunity here. Because I would be willing to undercut their offer. If anyone ordered anything with carbs, I would be more than willing to personally remove them for only a small service charge. That's right; I am willing to let you pay me to eat your food so that you'll lose weight! In fact, this diet need not only apply to carbs. The Jaridis Blade diet is guaranteed to work in all circumstances. I hope it becomes the next big trend.

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