Eyepatches are great. I really think they're right up there with capes in the annals of great fashion accoutrements. Maybe that's why I don't understand the world of fashion. Or maybe it's because the world of fashion has high regard for outfits made out of garbage (this is no joke! Okay, I actually recounted it as part of a joke, but it really is true!). It's probably a combination of both, actually. Whatever the case, I can't think of any other single accessory that can make you look like both a pirate and the owner of a powerful and prestigious law-firm. Unfortunately, it's hard to find an excuse to wear an eyepatch. Unless, of course, your profession is actually one of the two mentioned above. There is such a thing as Talk like a Pirate Day, but unfortunately, as one prominent yet fictional lawyer noted, this doesn't really equate to "dress like an idiot day." To this end, a friend and I have long been proposing N.E.D., a holiday that would solve this exact problem. Otherwise known as National Eyepatch Day, this holiday has everything it needs to make it to the big time, including the obligatory catchy acronym. Unfortunately, it has yet to become either national or a single day, as we keep forgetting the day of the year on which it's meant to be celebrated.
Anyway, aside from being awesome, a few other possible effects of wearing an eyepatch include:
- An almost complete lack of depth preception.
- Misunderstanding of spatial relationships. Ha HA!
- The mistaken impression that you own a fourteen foot golden Budha and a baby grand piano, along with:
- The propensity to claim that these last items have been stolen, and that you can still see the dimples in the carpet where the piano once stood. This sets the scene for you to unleash an entire battery of oppressive security measures. And a color-coded alert system, which, for best results, should always be set at the highest possible level.
For those who are wondering, this quote was inspired by Harvey Birdman, a show that rarely receives the credit it deserves. Hopefully if you haven't yet seen it, you've at least read my previous quote on the topic. In particular, this week's topic centers around Phil Ken Sebben, the eccentric boss of Birdman's law firm. You can see him in the picture at the top of this page, along with a bear. Yeah, I'm not sure about that either. Anyway, Phil Ken Sebben has a habit of prefacing often random words with a very smug laugh. You can consider this quote an example of that. It comes from an episode called Blackwatch Plaid, which definitely seems to be making light of post 9/11 security in the United States. Phil believes that his office has been burgled, and that artifacts of vast value that he never actually possessed have been stolen. He institutes new security policies around the office, included a color coded danger scheme that he ratchets up every time his employees have somehow found a way to return to their jobs. This eventually leads the alert index to the dreaded level of Blackwatch Plaid. This allows Phil to monitor the progress of all his lawyers, and thus to note that Birdman doesn't seem to be doing enough work. Phil summons him to declare that he needs to find a case soon. A big case. Involving the law. He then goes back to reading private emails...over the PA system.
All in all, if wearing an eyepatch has the potential to turn you into a delusional megalomaniac, I'm totally willing to sacrifice my depth perception. And apparently perceptions of other sorts, too. Ha ha ha! Double entendre.
