Perry Mason
For Less Guilt, more Incrimination

I should first note, right up front, that this Quote does not actually come from any episode or movie starring Perry Mason. Well, maybe it does, but I wouldn't know, having never seen any of either. But Perry Mason sounds like a great lawyer. I mean, his method of defence for proving his clients innocent is simply to find the actual guilty party. It helps a lot that his clients are all, without exception, innocent. In those circumstances, even I, who knows nothing about law, could win those cases. All you need to do is stand up and say, "Your honor, my client couldn't have done it. Because HE did it!" And with that, you point at some random member of the audience (the guilty party is always at the trial, right?..right?!) Please, don't get the impression that I'm bashing Perry himself. The Mason-man has quite the theme song, and deserves respect for that at least, if nothing else. I just find his methods funny. So, here's a little...mock trial, heheh:
Scene: Some annonymous courtroom, where one Mr. Korgan is on trial, for supposedly having turned into a wild animal at a party and blowing up one Lucky Pierre's car and warehouse. Lucky Pierre has decided to prosecute himself, so Korgan has sought the legal aid of Perry Mason. The trial has already begun, Judge Arthur Vandelais presiding.
The Judge: An old man in the wig and gown, he seems to enjoy hitting things with his hammer.
'Lucky' Pierre: The prosecution, an incredibly shady looking fellow wearing a cheap suit, and an eyepatch. He's also unshaven, and has several bags of money sitting on the bench in front of him.
Korgan, 'De ANIMAL': The defendant. A drunk guy in a stained white t-shirt and jeans, his eyes are already beady and bloodlust, and he's already on his third tin of booze.
JUDGE: Mr..ahh..'Lucky' Pierre, you have so far refused to call forth any witnesses, or present any coherent arguements. Are you pleased with yourself as legal representation?
'LUCKY' PIERRE: Of course, yer honor. I was just getting to that evidence part.
Standing up, Pierre steps forward and slips the judge a twenty dollar bill.
They don't call me 'Lucky' for nothing! Now, on to my...arguements. The Animal..(or should I say Korgan?) Was seen drinking booze ten feet from my car and warehouse. Clearly, he started a booze fire and destroyed both car and warehouse. After all, there were no traces of booze in the wreckage of either item. Which proves..that the Animal must have afterwards drank it from the sidewalk! Thank you.
JUDGE: Ah..Excellent points, Mr. 'Lucky' Pierre. You may sit down.
After slipping the judge another twenty, Pierre grins and sits down.
JUDGE: Mr. Mason, do YOU have any witnesses to call? I warn you, your continued silence will weigh as nothing against Pierre's carefully crafted arguements.
Perry, who had been looking bored, and doodling on his notepad the whole time, finally looks up and nods.
PERRY: I've got no witnesses to call, your honor. But I do have something to say; something that will exempt Mr. Korgan for all guilt in this trial. You see, it couldn't have been my client, because it was HIM! Lucky Pierre destroyed both things for the vast amounts of insurance!
Pierre, looks up, startled, and then grabs both money bags and makes a run for the door, after tossing a twenty towards the judge. Guards begin to move in, but stop when they hear the judge's voice.
JUDGE: It's too late. We'll never catch him.
MASON: My work here is done. I'm going home.
As Mason leaves, Korgan stands up and walks in front of the judge. Raising his bottle drunkenly, he slurs,
DE ANIMAL: Want a drink??
JUDGE: Ahh! He's reached a dangerous level of drunkenness! DE ANIMAL IS LOOSE! ALL FLEE!
Heh. This went on a bit longer than I anticipated. Oh well, it didn't get too out of hand. I hope.
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