In case you haven't yet figured it out, I'm referring to the Arnold 'Can anyone spell my last name?' Shwarzennegger film, Kindergarten Cop. It's billed as some sort of comedy, but anyone who has seen it knows that this description could be highly misleading. I'll briefly describe the plot (such as it is) in a couple sentences that should make it abundantly clear why this movie is so very terrifying. Ahnold, as he should be called, plays the role of some cop who gets sent to teach a kindergarten class. It has something to do with a drug dealer and the witness protection program, but that's really not important considering the point I'm trying to make. That's because this drug dealer isn't nearly as menacing as the class that Ahnold gets saddled with. These kids are wild and untamed! Their classroom is like a warzone, and Ahnold just can't keep up with their endless enthusiasm. Now this is the sort of thing that inspires fear. If an action hero who is, let's face it, as tough as they come cannot control a room of kindergarten kids, no one can. They're absolutely uncontrollable! And not only do they make messes, they can also convince you that you have some sort of extremely dangerous medical condition. Like a tumour, for instance. And they will continue to accuse you of this affliction, regardless of your vehement denials. Kindergarten Cop clearly puts the Blair Witch Project to shame.
There aren't many things that truly scare me. And the things that do are more likely to be giant elephants, capable of massive destruction and incalcuable evil, rather than movies. In fact, I find most 'scary' (note the correct use of single quotes!) to be merely ridiculous, and sometimes funny. Which is not likely the intent of the people making these films. And in the rare cases where it doesn't fall into one of the two aforementioned catergories, the movie usually ends up just being bad. Like the Blair Witch Project, for instance. Audiences everywhere raved that this was an extremely scary movie, that it had actually succeeded in getting its weaker-willed viewers to vomit in terror right in the theater! Though the makers of this film were doubtless proud of this feat, I don't think the people actually running (and cleaning) the theaters were nearly so thrilled. Regardless, the only motivation I can see for such a reaction would have to be pure disgust. The Blair Witch Project didn't scare me in the least, but it did give me a headache from all the bad camera angles and poor production values. And the poor vocabularies of the main stars, too, for that matter. It really makes me wonder at what point the producers decided that good camerawork would detract from the show. Even some critics were guilty of claiming that the shaky camera increased the aura of suspense. If the terms 'aura' and 'suspense' were defined as confusion and headaches, respectively, then this comment would be quite correct. But all that's beside the point, which is that I'm not scared by many movies at all. Except for one.
This is indeed the second quote in as many weeks to feature the mighty Ahnold. Considering the recent release of Terminator 3 and his not-yet-confirmed political aspirations, it shouldn't be overly surprising that I'm featuring this man with several quotes. I almost hate to use one of my other quotes in this rant (well, not really), but that quote did say that he would be back. And now he is, hopefully without a tumour.
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