The idea of this quote came from a recent super adventure as well as an article I recently read in the local newspaper. This article was detailing the worst sports events of the past decade. It goes almost without saying that Kazaam made this degrading list. Critics seem to agree that it is one of the worst films ever to be made. This is not to insult Shaquille's acting skills. No one has really seen these skills, because in Kazaam, Shaq just doesn't act. This is actually fairly common when sports stars decide they deserve to have a movie filmed around them. They never really become part of said movie, and are used mostly as endorsements to get people into the theaters. There's often nothing wrong with this tactic. Hulk Hogan always does a great job in all his movies, and I'm told other wrestlers have also been featured in hillarious films. I'm also confident that the Rock makes The Scorpion King a fine movie indeed, so long as your brain is turned off before you enter the theater. You just can't go wrong with the people's eyebrow. That said, this quote is not at all meant as a personal attack against Shaq. He's big, he's got a bigger salary and he can do a most impressive slam-dunk. BOOM-Shakalaka! Clearly, the man's great. Rather, I am poking fun at one of the most ill-conceived films ever created.
The picture for this quote features the genie, in case you can't guess. His bike is not shown in the picture, but I've been told by reliable sources that he does indeed have one. Of course, I don't know any of this for a fact. I consider it a point of pride that I have not actually seen this movie, and I intend to keep it that way. To conclude, I'll use a line from one of the only decent rap songs I've ever heard. (Note that Shaq was not involved in any way in this song.)
Here's a shovel, foo'.
Kazaam was a big budget film released back in '96. It featured Shaquille O'Neal, and the studio expected it to make big profits. That's probably the only good thing you could say about this movie. Evidently, the studio overestimated the appeal of a giant rapping genie who likes to ride a bike. I really can't understand how anyone could make such a blunder, but I guess they figured there was a huge audience for any movie featuring a basketball player as a really tall genie. Needless to say, this movie was a huge flop. And by huge, I mean almost as big as Shaquille himself. This movie was certainly a far more potent bomb than any other ever created. I would frankly classify it as a weapon of mass-destrution, which must be kept out of the wrong hands. Just think of all the damage this movie can cause! It already destroyed the careers of all those involved with making it. (I'm just assuming there; the costume designers might have gone on to do other work. I certainly haven't heard of Shaq starring in a movie since Kazaam's dismal release.) If terrorists forced the public to watch this movie, the death count would likely be astronomical. Combining terrible acting, a terrible premise and rap can only result in a movie that is fit only to be ridiculed. Which is really what this quote is all about.
Can you dig it?
Return to Jaridis Blade's Gallery of Quotes