In a day and age of "Talk like a Pirate Day!", I have chosen to bring attention to a different day that needs to be created: Talk like a Superhero Day! It's actually quite easy to do, provided you follow these easy steps:
1) React to everything with exclamations. If someone says "Good morning" to you, then instead of simply nodding back or muttering "morning" you should meet them with "Great scott, it's an incredible morning, isn't it!" Also acceptable would be "Holy salutations" (although it should be noted that strong pun proficiency is recommended before using any 'holy' exclamations.)
2) Before you actually do something, you need to say aloud what it is you are going to do. For example, when you notice that you have made a mistake on your paper, instead of acting like a mortal and just erasing it, hold your eraser aloft and proclaim "My eraser will make short work of this error!" Amazingly, this technique has never resulted in a super hero losing a battle (no doubt when Superman says "Get ready to feel the power of my super punch" the villain in question does nothing because they are playing the percentages and feel that sooner or later Superman is going to fake them out by saying one thing while doing another).
3) Treat everything as a priority. If your waitress asks for your order, tell her "I have GOT to have scrambled eggs, and FAST!"
4) Do everything only once. This means that when you come to a buffet restaurant, as difficult as it may seem, you must tell your fellow diners "Only one chance to eat this food! Got to eat that breaded pork cutlet, and FAST!"
5) When tired, lose all semblance of diction and grammar. Fatigued by battle or by mental strain over following all the preceding rules of how to speak like a superhero, slow your speech down to one word every 3-4 seconds. The best time to practice this would be before you go to bed. Normally, you might say something to the effect of "Man, I'm beat" or even simply "I am tired." This will not do for a superhero. No, you must say nothing less than "Can't...keep...eyes...open" or "too...tired...to...remain...awake...must...sleep."
There you have it. Now, you too can sound just like your favorite superhero. Try your new found speaking style out on your friends and family. Hurry! Only one chance to speak!
I'm personally a big fan of narrating your own actions, though I think it's even more effective if you can get someone else to narrate for you, especially if they have a cool voice. You can really tell you've made it as a superhero once you get your own professional narrator. Best of all, they could put spin on all encounters with supervillains, convincing even your foes that they are totally outmatched. In fact, it's almost as if certain public figures already have this going for them, though I won't claim it's because they're superheroes. Though with these tips, they could be.
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