This quote in particular comes from an old tape storybook. For the uninformed, those are books where the story is read on tape. Old, I know, and no longer really made. This particular one is very well done and called, 'Batman and Robin in the case of the Laughing Sphinx.' Throughout my childhood years, I must've heard this tape hundreds of times. At one point, there's been a kidnapping, and quite frankly, Commissioner Gordon doesn't know what to do about it. Since hearing that quote on our recent trips, I began telling numerous stories, all of which involve Gordon using that quote in various situations. The only case where the statement may be valid that I've seen so far is when Gordon woke up from a nap locked in his bathroom with two clowns. In that situation, you truly might not know what to do.
In any case, I think I've given enough background on this quote. Now, as a special feature, drawing inspiration from events on this very day, I will offer the following tale. If memory serves me right, today I received another letter from the University of Saskatchewan, where I am currently applying. They informed me that SaskEd, the local education department, had not sent them my marks transcripts and that they needed them right away. According to information I had, these transcripts had indeed been sent and quite some time ago. The question then, was what had happened to them. This wasn't the first time the U of S had screwed up my application, and I'm sure it won't be the last, but that's beside the point. Here's the story.
Most would have heard of the infamous Commissioner Gordon, the chief of the Gotham City police who tirelessly organises and directs the police at his disposal to fight the dark tides of crime. Well, more likely he simply calls Batman. It can be concluded from the old TV series that the police, and more specifically, Gordon, cannot deal with any situation themselves. The second a crime is relayed to the Commissioner, he immiediately calls up Batman and turns it over to him. If the good Commissioner hears a knock on the door, he will likely call Batman rather than open it himself. This raises the question as to why they even have a police force in the first place. They're completely useless! No matter the crime, Gordon always makes the call. The call that sends in Batman.
Batman replied, "We'll feed this clue into the BAT-COMPUTER, and it will tell us which of our villains may be responsible." With daring speed, the two crimefighters raced to the batcave and fed the clue into the giant computer.
The Bat-Computer began its transmission in a cold, metallic voice. "There are two possible suspects in this case."
"TWO!?" exclaimed Robin.
"Quiet, Robin. Computer, continue transmission."
The computer then continued its readout. "Suspect Number One: The U of S. Their crimes often involve incompetent mistakes both big and small. Suspect Number Two: SaskEd. This institution is characterized by its uncontrollable need to outsmart the Batman and any other University applicants by using perplexing clues. End Transmission." The computer clicked off.
"Two suspects. What do we do now, Batman?"
"Track down our first suspect, of course. To the phone, to call the Registrar's office at the U of S!"
The phone call to the U of S was picked up by an answering mission. The message read as follows:
I don't know you, or what you do, but I'll find out before the game is through.
"Another riddle," murmured Batman, "and it looks like the Registrar has flown the coop. We'll have to got there ourselves and check it out. The University will be crowded this time of day. We'll need our whirly-bats to see what 's going on."
Minutes later, the Batman and Robin were cruising over the University in their whirly-bats. Suddenly, Robin spotted a mob of students running in horror from the Registrar's office. "Something's up, Batman. Students don't usually run out of the Registrar's office. Normally, they need to rush in there to process their applications."
"We'd better find the cause of that panic, chum." said Batman as the two landed. Upon entering the office, the two quickly saw what had caused all the peaceful University students to flee the office in panic. The entire staff of the Registrar's office had temporarily been replaced by Doug, the gym towel guy. Robin thought he was nothing more than a statue, until he saw him move.
"Doug's not a statue! He's...alive!" shouted Robin even as Doug lept at the crimefighters. A fight quickly ensued.
"Two against one are good odds in anyone's book!" shouted the Batman.
"Tangling this towel guy isn't easy, but I'll have him wrapped up in a moment. I hope you know how to swim, you reject from the gym!"
"Save the joking for later, Robin!"
"This is no joke, Batman. Doug got wet when he hit the water. He's not a human, he's a towel! And I think I know how to stop him! Just push him in the water!" Within minutes, Doug was nothing more than a wet towel floating in the water. Suddenly, Robin spotted a figure running for the exit. "Batman! We have to catch the Registrar!"
Batman and Robin both gave chase, but the figure managed to escape. But she left a clue. Robin spotted it first. "Look! Floating in the water! It's a giant University Application Form! I'll fish it out. Maybe it can give us a lead in this case!"
On the back of the form was yet another riddle. It read simply:
You don't have to be an egghead to win at this game, where questions means prizes and answers mean fame.
Batman was silent for a long moment, before he said, "It's time to track down our next suspect. Quick, Robin, to the Regina SaskEd building!"
Minutes later, the dynamic duo arrived outside the SaskEd building. The lights were all off and the place appeared to be closed. Obviously, these institutions closed quite early in the day. There was no one in sight. But the front door of the building was open.
Upon entering, the two crimefighters found a chair, a bullwhip and a note written in a now famillar handwriting. This final clue read:
To find the things that are causing you grief, turn on the tube and get some relief.
Batman started to reflect. "All the clues are starting to fit together. Let me see..." So intent on his musings was the Dark Knight detective that he didn't notice a SaskEd employee sneaking up outside the building. Suddenly, this employee slammed the front door closed. Spinning around, Batman pushed and pulled on the door. Of course, he managed to open it since it only locked from the inside. However, the SaskEd employee had already escaped.
Batman and Robin returned to the task of putting all the clues together. Batman stated, "The first clue mentioned a game, the second clue talked about prizes and fame. The final clue mentioned tube, which means TV. When you put all the clues together, you get that Jaridis' transcripts will be on a television gameshow TONIGHT!"
Robin snapped his fingers. He knew the solution. "And the only game where people try to guess each other's occupations is...'What's My Job?' Quick, Batman! To the television studio!"
As the two drove along in the turbo-powered batmobile, Robin switched on the mini-tv built into the amazing car's dashboard. 'What's My Job?' was just starting. The announcer was announcing the show.
"Live from Gotham City, the only game show that asks 'What do YOU do for a living?' For this extra special edition of 'What's My Job?' we have an extra special host. Please welcome Laura Zink!"
"Batman!" cried Robin. "Laura Zink isn't the host of 'What's My Job?'! Laura Zink is..."
"Yes, Robin, I know. Laura Zink is the Registrar. She's probably holding the whole crew of that station hostage so she can pull this crazy stunt. Turn the set off. I've got a plan."
Twenty minutes later, 'What's My Job?' was approaching its climax. "It's time to unmask!" announced Laura Zink to the three masked contestants before her. The first man lifted off his mask to reveal Doug. The second turned out to be the SaskEd employee. The final mask had to be lifted off by someone else since it was merely a pile of mark transcripts.
"Now," declared Laura Zink, "we will rip apart these transcripts and use the remains to make a map which will lead us to the greatest archaeological treasure ever found!" Moments later, the three villains stood gloating as they prepared to rip Jaridis' transcripts. "I've got to admit," continued Zink, "that this team-up idea was superb, Doug. But why did we have to go through all that riddle business?"
"What difference does it make to you?" replied the SaskEd employee. "I have an uncontrollable urge to baffle the Batman."
Suddenly, Robin swung by on a bat-rope and scooped up the missing transcripts. "I thought you got rid of them!" Zink shouted at Doug as she helplessly watched Robin swing away.
"I thought I finished them off!" groaned the SaskEd employee. Doug just didn't do anything, which was quite common for him.
Near the roof of the building, Batman was preparing the final downfall of the villains. Seconds after the boy-wonder made his television debut, Batman cut loose the final cable holding up the giant 'What's My Job?' sign. It came toppling down on the villains, knocking them out cold.
Hours later, Commissioner Gordon arrived to take away the defeated criminals. "I got here as soon as I could, dynamic duo. I just had to run a few errands, walk my dog, get a snack and take a quick nap. I saw it all on TV along with millions of other viewers. The University will be an easier place to apply to thanks to you guys."
As the successful heroes drove home, Batman was pensive. "We accomplished three things today, Robin. First of all, we foiled the scheme of three of our deadliest foes. Secondly, we recovered Jaridis' transcripts so he can finally get his application through."
"What's the third thing?" asked Robin.
A grin appeared on the Batman's face. "We probably made this the longest Laughing Sphinx parody ever written."
"Oh brother!" murmured Robin. "Let's just end it now."
"Robin, you just read my mind."
Return to Jaridis Blade's Gallery Of Quotes