If you're from this side of the pond, chances are good that you are already familiar with this ubiquitous chain of coffeeshops. In fact, chances are good you probably have a Timmy's somewhere on your block, and there's a significant probability that you work there. That's because Tim Horton's has been expanding like crazy. There are now three of them on my university campus, two of which are not more than a five minute walk from one another. Just in case your first coffee can't last you longer than that, I guess. And this expansion only seems to be accelerating. Soon, I expect there will be one outlet for every non-employee in the country.
Given that they're on the verge of saturating this market (with saturated fat, no less), it's no surprise that Tim Horton's is looking for other ways to represent the Canadian identity of coffee and donuts on the international stage. The most recent plan was to send a Tim Horton's crew to Afghanistan so that the Canadian soldiers there could get a little taste of home. Of course, before this mission can go off, the Timmy's employees need to receive extensive military training. They've gotta be able to handle a coffeepot even under the heaviest of enemy fire. And once this is done, cops will no longer be the most heavily armed folks frequenting Timmy's anymore. In fact, the people behind the counter will soon be better trained than their law enforcing customers. And given the certain success of this venture, I think it's only a matter of time before our military is amalgamated with the Tim Horton's workforce. Now that would be a killer skill-set.
It seems like Tim Horton's considers it a duty to offer service wherever there are Canadians. Given that, I have a few suspicions about where they might try to find their next markets.
Space: Once again, this endeavor will require extensive training for their employees. All the same, the Canada-arm deserves to have a little taste of home. This will also require some refinements to the Tim Horton's menu, as I'm not sure how well coffee will brew in zero gravity.
My house: I really suspect that it's only a matter of time before Tim Horton's opens an outlet in my basement. This would be in spite of the fact that I don't even like coffee, let alone the stuff they try to pass off as the genuine article. Of course, such a ploy might just be a cover to take me out before I reveal any more of their secret plans using one of their trained commando teams. Some of you have probably heard of JTF2, the Canadian elite forces. But I bet most of you didn't suspect there's actually a silent H in there. And the Joint Tim Horton's Force (2) is good for more than just packing away Timbits, though I bet they can do that too. It's almost enough to make one freak out.
Return to Jaridis Blade's Gallery of Quotes