Disguises that suck


Let me begin by saying that disguises are awesome. Just in case you weren't aware. In fact, I've often advocated disguises as the solution to any sort of problem. This might seem a bit ridiculous, but believe me when I say that this in no way diminishes its effectiveness. Need examples? Say you're supposed to be working on some massive group project, and you're way behind on the stuff you're supposed to have done. The ignorant layman would probably just skip all the group meetings in the hopes of somehow forever avoiding the rest of the team. However, a far more effective tactic would be to show up at all future meetings in disguise. Not only will this save you from the ire of the your colleagues, but it will probably earn you the gratitude they feel towards a random stranger who has just shown up to help them work on their project. And who actually seems to know something about it. In addition, depending on the disguise you choose to don, they may comment on the size of your nose. And isn't that better than living the rest of your life as a fugitive? Now, before you try this at home, I should throw in a legal disclaimer. The success of the technique I'm proposing relies heavily on the quality of your disguise. In other words, don't use a disguise that sucks.

So now you're probably wondering how to distinguish a bad disguise from a good one. Fortunately for you, I'm willing to share my mostly fictitious expertise in this area, and I'll start by disabusing any assumptions about the picture associated with this quote. Contrary to what the quote may imply, the ubiquitous nose/glasses/mustache combo is a good disguise. That's probably why it's so popular. It's kind of a reverse-psychology deal. Sure, underneath the pure ridiculousness, it still looks like Saddam Hussein. But since such is the case, everyone would assume that Saddam wouldn't be stupid enough to wear such a transparent disguise. Thus, they believe it must be someone else. Not only is this effective, but it's also cheap and easy. Of course, some disguises don't really require props of any sort. Such as pretending to be a football coach. It's all attitude! Just act like an obnoxious jerk, and don't forget to continually misuse football slang and emphasize how important you are. To complete the disguise and make it completely impenetrable, all you have to do is idly toss a football from hand to hand.

Now that I've given a few good suggestions, you're probably looking for a couple examples of disguises that suck. To that end, we need only look towards the large library of Godzilla movies. For all the good things I can say about Interpol, I have to admit that their attempts at disguising themselves seem very weak indeed. One of the agents seeks to avoid attracting suspicion by introducing himself awkwardly as a reporter and claiming to be on the verge of a big scoop. He also makes sinister, ominous and repeated claims that he could make a lot of money! Of course, it doesn't help that he's often spotted hanging around in the most suspicous circumstances and laughing in a menacing fashion.

Before I wrap this up, I should mention the inspiration for this quote. Once again, it comes from Allison, who sent me this amusing link. Apparently, there's big (or at least some) demand for a way to hide your vacuum cleaner. But disguising it as a mouse?! After seeing this, and given my love of wordplay, this quote was all but inevitable. Because, in more ways than one, those are disguises that really suck.


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