Cheesy Mobsters

Some people have been known to speculate (at great length, no less) that television and the media combine to stifle the creativity of their consumers. A truly ridiculous statement, in my opinion. I believe quite the opposite, which should be no surprise given that the vast majority of my quotes are inspired by major movies or amazingly overlooked film concepts. All the same, I do sometimes milk some ideas from real life incidents. This is one of those times. To employ the proper jargon, the following tale was inspired by real events. In other words, there's a tiny grain of truth in there, but it's sensationalized beyond all recognition. In my case, that means throwing in a whole lot of puns. Because it's me, and I like to melt edification all over my writing.

I'm generally a huge fan of cheesy plots, but I usually ascribe them only to ridiculous action movies and unintentional comedies, which are often actually synonyms, if you bother looking them up. So I was totally bewildered to hear the story of New York's cheese mafia. My parents lived in NYC for a while back in neolithic times (slightly predating the prehistoric age when I was born), and they encountered the work of this fiendish group first-hand. They accomplished this simply by purchasing cheese from the local grocery store. They didn't recognise any of the brands on sale, and discovered that they were all extremely runny. Upon asking about this, they were told that cheese distribution and production in the city was commonly known to be controlled by the mob. And the mob wasn't making very good cheese.

Maybe it's just me, but I always thought organized crime was interested in more sinister wares, like drugs. You know, stuff that's actually illegal, unlike cheese. But I'm not exactly an expert on the underworld economy, so I guess I shouldn't brie judging them. Of course, they still preferred using illegal means to enforce their monopoly of the local cheese market. This apparently involved scaring away competition by blowing up a couple Kraft trucks. I really didn't realise this industry could be so dangerous. I guess cheese was really on the block. Just imagine the violence that might have erupted over Cheetos!

I'm not sure if the cheese mafia still exists, or if they ever really took advantage of the puns rendered permissable by their very existance. In the interest of doing just that, I'll spare a moment to speculate about their organization. Stereotypes suggest that most groups of this nature are based in abandoned warehouses, but I suspect the cheese mafia would feel more comfortable operating out of a cottage somewhere. I'm not sure who the Big Cheese of the group would be, but I can totally imagine him being Swiss. I'm sure he'd have to be ruthless, regardless of his nationality. Cheese is big business, after all. Sometimes he would just have to make an example of any rival company that moves in on his turf and cheeses him off, probably by making their cheese Swiss. And that's just no gouda.

Hey, you knew that last one was coming at some point. And I did warn that some of these puns would grate.

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