And you might be the dumbest man alive if you actually watch This Island Earth, a very old and very bad sci-fi movie. Of course, you wouldn't actually be the dumbest person. That title would still have to go to Cal Meacham, the star of this old movie. This character is so stupid that he doesn't even realise that he is the dumbest man alive. Of course, there are some film critics (that shall remain nameless) who actually believe that This Island Earth was a classic movie. Maybe on par with 2001: A Space Odyssey. I would be able to agree with this second statement, since both 2001 and This Island Earth were terrible films. In the name of proof, I need only offer the following picture:
In this picture, Cal struggles with a rubbery and clearly fake alien. This makes up the most dramatic scene in the movie, and that really tells you something. The fact that the alien is winning only goes to discredit the competence of Cal Meacham. With its lake of eyeholes, the alien is surely fighting blind, which means anyone but the dumbest man alive should be able to take him on. As such, it's unforunate that the Earth has to rely on Cal Meacham to deal with this invader.
I suppose I should launch into further explaination of Cal Meacham's character, or lack thereof. Before doing so, I should note that This Island Earth was actually the subject of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Movie. For those who are unfamilliar with MYST3K, it is an awesome show in which a guy and some robots make fun of really bad movies. And This Island Earth certainly fits that description. In fact, it provides extremely good material for the MYST3K gang, and their amusing remarks really make This Island Earth into a hillarious film. As such, my own comments will be based on this MYST3K version. So, who is Cal Meacham? Well, Cal is a really macho scientist, working on the cutting-edge of waffle technology. Yes, waffle technology. In fact, Cal is involved with the top secret Eggo experiments. His assistant, Wiennie Man, describes him as the only man who can fly everywhere in a fighter jet and still somehow be late for work. Cal descrbies himself as possibly the dumbest man alive. He really does! Perhaps these two descriptions are somehow related. In any case, Cal also has several strange habits, such as glowing green and hiding in boxes. The former can be explained by the presence of crazy aliens with big foreheads, but there's really no excuse for the latter. In fact, not only does Cal randomly hide in boxes, he also expects his assistant to find him. This often causes Wiennie man to either race for the Wiennie Mobile or to poke out someone's eyes. Usually after Cal declares them all blind. All that aside, Cal is eventually summoned to join a bunch of the best scientists at the home of a clearly alien hamburger-addict. The fact that the aliens decided to pick Cal Meacham demonstrates their truly horrible standards. Anyway, this eventually leads to a journey through space and the defeat of the evil aliens. Or something. Really, to devote any more time to explaining this barely existant plot would clearly make me one of the dumbest men alive.
Finally, I must extend my thanks to the one who suggested this quote. I am always eager to accept suggestions, especially if they involve hillarious characters like Cal Meacham. Truth be told, this quote probably should have gone up long ago. If you want more context than I've given, I recommend renting the MYST3K movie. You won't regret it. It is indeed a great film, unlike the movie that it mocks.
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