That's probably more build up than it deserves, but overwhelming hyperbole is half the fun.
As some of you may be aware, I just returned from a visit to Britain. It was a good trip, aside from the questionable weather that usually accompanies me on these sorts of ventures. I often gain a lot of quote inspiration from such travels, and this was no exception. Be thankful I decided not to horrify you with the details of the Panto. At least, not this week. Instead I'll be ranting about one of London's more famous historic sites.
The Tower of London is one of the top tourist attractions in Britain, so I couldn't possibly miss it. Plus, it's got some towers. That also makes it harder to miss, even for the less observant. It's also where they store the crown jewels, which are mostly protected by a pair of moving sidewalks. Hmm. This fits in well with my thesis here, as you'll see later on. Anyway, despite dubious security measures, there's only been one major attempt to steal the crown jewels.
It all started back in 1671. Now you have to remember that at this point in time, there wouldn't be much around more valuable than these jewels. So stealing them would have been a very big deal indeed. Surely any successful attempt would require an ingenious plan, unparalleled in cunning and audacity. It fell to the ominously named Colonel Blood to craft such a plan. With a name like that, how could he fail? Well, by developing a plan that involved little more than stuffing the jewels down his trousers. Seriously. Yet in spite of this incredibly simplistic plan, Blood was only stopped because the Keeper's son happened to come home unexpectedly early. That? Is sloppy. I might be tempted to call Colonel Blood the dumbest man alive, were that title not already taken. And besides, the security was only marginally more competent.
I guess we probably have to examine this plan within the context of the time period. Colonel Blood might well have been the first thief to come up with the idea of stuffing the loot down his pants, but I don't see how this makes him any more brillant than the first guy who thought of shoving his wallet into his shoes when going to the beach. It's not like we've honored that guy with a Nobel prize or anything. This isn't rocket science, people. It isn't even as complicated as preparing a soup schedule. Or adding random and only vaguely related links to a webpage.
So the British just seem to be terrible with security. I mean, they only ended up catching Guy Fawkes at the last possible moment, despite having over a week's warning of his evil plot. But then they turned it into a national holiday, so it's all good. Still, it makes me wonder if anyone has ever considered another coup with the crown jewels, possibly involving the use of their pockets. It's about as ingenious as anything the sinister Colonel Blood was able to devise.
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