Black Gold

What's the first thing that pops into people's minds when black gold is mentioned? Well, it really depends on what sort of board games they've been playing recently. Or whether they live in Alberta. For most people, black gold is linked intrinsically with oil, the lifeblood of the United States' power supply. There's no doubt that red blood has been spilled over black oil in the past, and some even allege that the current war in Iraq was completely motivated by its rich supply. Enough even for Megatron to crush the autobots once and for all! I'm not really gonna delve into such deep political issues. Mostly because I would probably subsequently be flattened by a blast from Megatron's fusion cannon. Or end up with a new jeep. Either one is almost equally bad. No, instead I'm going to inform you of another form of black gold, one even more prevalant than oil. And more dangerous as well. This substance is so insidious that it has managed to addict entire nations without even raising the hackles of various ridiculous protest groups. Millions of people wake up in exhaustion each morning, and only by getting their fix of this vile drug can they proceed with their lives. Yes, I'm talking about the inherent dangers of coffee, the most volatile black gold around. You may not think it's such a threat, and that you can stop drinking it any time that you want. But you can't turn off a thirst for coffee like a tap. In fact, the first response to addiction is often denial. We have to admit that there's a coffee problem before it can be solved. Hopefully by replacing this evil cash crop with healthy, milk-producing cows.
All of this might seem a bit ridiculous. That's because it is, and thus it was a great case for me to run at a recent debate tournament. Because arguments are only fun when you take up an outrageous position that's impossible to rationally defend. On the other hand, it's easy to defend Puerto Rico, the board game that inspired this quote. Yet another award-winning German strategy game, Puerto Rico involves the initial settlement of the area around San Juan, which is already booming thanks to the constant party occuring there. Each turn, every player is given the opportunity to take on an important role in the developing community, including such fine positions as the mayor, the (pirate) captain and the prospector, who is otherwise known as the bank robber. These jobs each offer a certain advantage as the players attempt to produce goods and ship them back to the old world. As you might be able to guess by now, coffee is the most valuable of these resources, and hence cemented its reputation as black gold. Corn, understandably enough, is the least valuable, and really worth little more than its own pun value (which is rather corny at that.)
One of the many great things about Puerto Rico is that the ship captains are apparently jerks. They only allow a single type of good to be loaded on any given ship. So a single barrel of coffee on an otherwise empty vessel will prevent anyone from loading any amount of sugar onboard. Apparently, coffee and sugar don't mix. Furthermore, if the player in question doesn't have a warehouse, these captains will gleefully dump said sugar overboard. Just because they can. Ships occupied by lonely barrels of coffee or tobacco have quickly been labelled as vice ships, and it was this nickname from a great board game that inspired this week's quote.
Of course, taking a stand against coffee is both difficult and dangerous. My opening rant might already have angered some of the mighty coffee barons dwelling in South America, and their wrath can be black indeed. Unlike their names, which I can only assume are awesome. I featured several coffee barons in my Deep Space campaign, most of whom had names like Senor Nabob, Maxwell House, Latte, Espressor and Cappuchino. The biggest enforcer working for these barons was called the Percolator. He was a particularly strong brew. So if I disappear within the next few weeks, you'll know that I've been percolated. Which isn't nearly as fun as Puerto Rico.
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