The Atchisecond

Time is something that everyone wants, but almost no one has. Certainly not me, considering how much time I spend trying to set my VCR clock. As was noted in a most poignant episode of Johnny Bravo, no one really understands how to set VCR clocks. They are a force older than time itself! It's somehow more complicated than monitoring a nuclear powerplant. Not that I would really know, of course. But lack of knowledge has never stopped me from exagerating in the past. In any case, people are always running out of time to live their lives the way they want to. Time management experts tell us that with proper organization, we can use the time we do have more efficiently. Although if these experts really knew how to avoid wasting time, I doubt they would be doing just that by giving us all this pointless advice. That aside, the point I'm trying to make is that in order to more fully utilize our alloted time, we need more precise ways of measuring it. Nanoseconds just don't cut it anymore. Fortunately, scientists in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan have discovered an even smaller unit of time measurement, and that is what I intend to share with you today.
You're probably wondering how a small place like Saskatoon could breed such amazing scientific research. To be honest, referring to the researchers involved as scientists would be a bit of a stretch. Even referring to them as plural would be a stretch. In fact, the person who made this discovery was the local paper's humour columnist. He ingeniously deciphered that tiny fraction of time that we now know as the Atchisecond, and documented its exact length via an example. Namely, the amount of time it takes Saskatoon mayor Don Atchison to reverse his crazy, half-baked policies. Hence, the Atchisecond was discovered. Several thousand of these Atchiseconds can easily be pressed into a single nanosecond, and that's not even counting the time it takes Atch to come up with these policies in the first place.
The particular policy that gave birth to the Atchisecond is very much worth noting. Having recently ascended to the mayor's seat, Don Atchison knew just what to do. He'd been elected on a platform focusing on police reform and his ability to stand by the side of the road and shake hands. But he had no intention of even wasting a single precious atchisecond on any of these things. Instead he decided to cut straight to the heart of the city's problems, to strike at the very core of the citizens' discontent, and he did so by proposing a dress code for visiting him at city hall. People who weren't wearing proper business attire would not be allowed into the mayor's office. This would obviously solve the problem of people wasting Atchison's time by coming to meet with him. And since he wouldn't really be meeting with anyone, he wouldn't have to hear about the problems plaguing the city either. During the mayoral compaign, Don Atchison always claimed that he would be the people's mayor, and this policy would surely prove it.
The best part about this whole story is the fact that Don Atchison also owns Atch & Co, a high end mens' clothing store. So this policy would also be solving any financial problems that he was facing! I have no doubt that proper business attire could really be translated to clothing from Atch's store, and if you weren't getting clothes from the mayor, you wouldn't be getting words to the mayor. Needless to say, this ridiculous policy met with instant opposition from the general public, and an Atchisecond later, it was brushed under the carpet and forgotten as quickly as possible. Except by those who have a sense of humour. I can only assume that a FIASCO like this could be avoided with the proper use of a thesaurus. As a weapon. And a side effect might even include improving Don Atchison's vocabulary.
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